I feel like I've been through a slight "crisis" in terms of my identity. I made a relationship choice that was the only choice I could make at the time - to be honest with myself and with the people I loved and respected. I broke someone's heart, someone who I cared for deeply (and still do), and who I intended on only ever making happy.
The months that followed were a confusing mix of complete and utter self hatred and an overwhelming sense of contentment, knowing that I had done the right thing and that I was finally in the right place. What may have seemed like a selfish decision was undoubtedly the most considerate thing I have ever done, and I wish people could see that. It seems ridiculous to me, that I have been paying for this decision (which was completely private and personal in the first place) since, and that I have lost so many friends because of it.
The upside of the whole situation was that once again I have found out who is and who isn't worth my time. I miss so many people so much, and the amount of hurt I feel when I think about all of this is, to be honest, quite overwhelming... but perhaps one day it'll change.
The point of my talking about this is to give an understanding (mainly for myself) as to where I am at the moment. I'm living in my new flat with my boyfriend, trying to get a hold on reality. I've been completely and utterly flat creatively, but I'm trying to break out of a very vicious cycle of depression and anxiety. I'm happy, but there are still definitely times when I feel lost. I know from previous experiences that the best thing to do is to express in whatever way you can, so I suppose that is another reason why I'm ranting away on a blog that really, probably no one will read.
I was recently a part of two exhibitions, both at the School of Art, and whilst the whole experience was extremely daunting and scary, I was so grateful to have been a part of them in the first place. I've finally started feeling like I can overcome the last few months, and I've even done some new works that I'm quite happy with, mainly thanks to my boyfriend's constant encouragement and enthusiasm. Unfortunately I'm struggling with technological barriers, so photos might be a little while away.
Anyway, if you did happen to read this you're probably wondering what the hell sort of direction I was trying to take this in. Truthfully, I have no idea... I just know that my mind will feel clearer for it.
