Right. Blogging. How do I do this again?

It's been so long since I wrote anything on here, for obvious reasons. Last year ended fairly dramatically for me, and since I have been through months of changes... both socially and within myself. I suppose it's fair to say I've been hiding.

I feel like I've been through a slight "crisis" in terms of my identity. I made a relationship choice that was the only choice I could make at the time - to be honest with myself and with the people I loved and respected. I broke someone's heart, someone who I cared for deeply (and still do), and who I intended on only ever making happy.
The months that followed were a confusing mix of complete and utter self hatred and an overwhelming sense of contentment, knowing that I had done the right thing and that I was finally in the right place. What may have seemed like a selfish decision was undoubtedly the most considerate thing I have ever done, and I wish people could see that. It seems ridiculous to me, that I have been paying for this decision (which was completely private and personal in the first place) since, and that I have lost so many friends because of it.
The upside of the whole situation was that once again I have found out who is and who isn't worth my time. I miss so many people so much, and the amount of hurt I feel when I think about all of this is, to be honest, quite overwhelming... but perhaps one day it'll change.

The point of my talking about this is to give an understanding (mainly for myself) as to where I am at the moment. I'm living in my new flat with my boyfriend, trying to get a hold on reality. I've been completely and utterly flat creatively, but I'm trying to break out of a very vicious cycle of depression and anxiety. I'm happy, but there are still definitely times when I feel lost. I know from previous experiences that the best thing to do is to express in whatever way you can, so I suppose that is another reason why I'm ranting away on a blog that really, probably no one will read.

I was recently a part of two exhibitions, both at the School of Art, and whilst the whole experience was extremely daunting and scary, I was so grateful to have been a part of them in the first place. I've finally started feeling like I can overcome the last few months, and I've even done some new works that I'm quite happy with, mainly thanks to my boyfriend's constant encouragement and enthusiasm. Unfortunately I'm struggling with technological barriers, so photos might be a little while away.

Anyway, if you did happen to read this you're probably wondering what the hell sort of direction I was trying to take this in. Truthfully, I have no idea... I just know that my mind will feel clearer for it.

SONG!

I wrote these lyrics a few weeks ago, and the fact that I can read over them now and not completely hate them must be a good sign.

Mistakenly,
You liked me.
From the moment that you saw me and I knew.
I knew you would, but it felt good,
To have you look at me and linger.

And that day,
The day it rained, when we just lay,
in the backseat of your parent's van,
Your hand,
Between my knees, and your eyes on me.
While I pretended to be sleeping.

The birds know you better than I do now,
When they sit up on your sill.
And the distance just keeps growing bigger,
and I'm counting down for you.
But the trees are bending over,
just for you to climb,
And I'd do anything to lift you off that ground.

Mistakenly,
He loved me.
But you loved right through my middle and well now,
there's hollow space, and god it aches,
When I think of how you care for me.
And you hands,
Your hands had held, me as I fell,
I had fainted by the taxi.
It was love,
Between the sheets, with snowing streets,
Making shadows on your curtains.

And the birds see you more than I do now,
When they sit up on your sill.
And the distance just keeps growing bigger,
but I'm counting down for you.
But the trees are bending over,
just for you to climb,
I'd do anything to lift you off that ground.

Act of Contrition - Bright Eyes

The air was all dust, a night so untamed
The ground opened up and swallowed all of the rain
and it swallowed you too -- into distance unknown
As they sat down for dinner they waited for you to get home
yeah, they set a place for you.

So don't believe everything that you read, in that diary of yours.
And this nervousness, it isn't all your fault
it's just these shaking hands won't do what I want them to.
And I've tried to guess what it is you thought about
that act of contrition that rolled off our tongues as you wept,
what are you crying for?

Just dust my heart and you will find
there are no fingers printed there
just the untouched place that lies inside
of every lonely boy tonight.

And all this open air has caused me to choke
on your new-found hope for me.

Some of my favorite ever lyrics... I know; not the most cheery of songs. I think he is an incredible lyricist, despite how hideously depressing his subject matter seems to be.

Things that make me happy.

I'm not going to lie, I've had a rough year. I've been struggling with a massive amount of change... some of it good, some of it bad, but all of it confusing and hard to process. Tonight, I found myself shut away in my room, nursing the hangover of a lifetime and feeling extremely pathetic. Unfortunately, being the emotional basket case that I am, I seem to only be capable of intense downward spirals of depression when I allow my thoughts get too intense, so in an attempt to distract myself, I trolled through the 606 photos I have stored on my iphone (most of which are from drunken adventures that I don't remember taking). Now, a mere twenty minutes later, I feel much happier. I am so lucky in so many ways, and sometimes I just need to be reminded. I've decided to break my blogging tradition, and create a post consisting of a few things that comfort me... purely for my own enjoyment, of course.


Cider times with my girl.

My beautiful brother.


My fox.

Me and my Mill.


My awesome jumper.


My nearest and dearests.



These are the things that make me happy.

The hours.

"I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. I live with it too."

"I am to be broken. I am to be derided all my life. I am to be cast up and down among these men and women, with their twitching faces, with their lying tongues, like a cork on a rough sea. Like a ribbon of weed I am flung far every time the door opens."

"…this body, with all its capacities, seemed nothing — nothing at all. She had the oddest sense of being herself invisible; unseen; unknown; there being no more marrying, no more having of children now, but only this astonishing and rather solemn progress with the rest of them"

All quotes by Virginia Woolf. I swear her words speak directly to my heart.

Self portrait - Pen and watercolour

From me for mine.

I've always struggled with staying motivated when it comes to exploring creatively. I'm not sure why, but I assume it has a lot to do with the fact that I have the attention span of a 2 year old, and also the fact that if I make a mistake I give up altogether. Without a doubt, the best thing about my house is my lovely housemates, as I'm lucky enough to live with two of the kindest souls I've ever come across. One of these girls is my best friend, who I adore beyond belief and cherish a great deal. The other is her sister, who I also love with all my heart and who shares my interest in art.
Living with these two girls, I've been encouraged to persevere more with my own works. They distract me and make me giggle so often that I find it easier to ignore my self destructive thoughts, which would normally make me bail on a painting halfway through. Recently we had a CRAFTSPLOSION, which mainly involved making a complete mess of the kitchen table, listening to music, and not talking for hours because we were concentrating so hard. It was partly thanks to the wine, but I managed to do a few different things that I'm pretty happy with.

Another reasonably new one. Pretty simple but I've only recently really gotten a hold of the whole "less is more" concept, and now I'm paranoid about wrecking things.

Something.

Finally. FINALLY. I seem to have regained the ability to create something that I can not only complete, but more importantly am satisfied with. I am now intent on completing a series of similar works that I will hopefully feel the same way about. I've missed the feeling of finishing something.

This little picture was a little less time consuming, as I got pretty impatient when I got about half way through. Still, I think it turned out okay. I tried really hard to give her intense eyes, that for once weren't mysteriously twice the size they should or would be. Anyway, here it is.